CITIZENS!!! Be on the lookout for the following suspicious behavior!

• Twins over 40 who still dress identically
• A restaurant where children and whores eat for free
• A duck who wears spats
• A Phys Ed teacher who always has a hickey

• A Pastor who always cries incessantly whilst playing the electric guitar
• An accountant who wears the calculator watch
• A King who always grabs the tiara by accident
• A projectionist with a need to be the center of attention
• A waiter who delights in charming his guests with impersonations of Jim Carrey doing impersonations of Henry Fonda from On Golden Pond
• The lovable curmudgeon who gives you a knowing look
• A veterinarian who sells arts and crafts and used furniture on the side
• A door to door wikipedia salesman
• A cabaret act in which the lead always goes rifling through her fanny pack for lozenges
• A babysitter whose breath tastes like Pall Mall’s and Dr. Pepper
• A doctor who is always trying to perfect different accents
• An air traffic controller with a chip on his shoulder
• A drive-in theatre with a mausoleum
• A weeping willow with a blank prescription pad
• A carpenter with a martyr complex
• A girlfriend who closely resembles her father who closely resembles Gregory Peck who closely resembles MacArthur
• A guy cruising for chick’s in his Mom’s Datsun
• A dental hygienist who refuses to take off her charm bracelet
• A baby with bags under its eyes
• A man with false teeth who decides to get braces
• A yellow labrador retriever who wears a red paisley bandana
• A diner waitress who believes revenge is a dish best served cold
• A mortician with 2 mortgages and 3 ex-wives
• A lamp post who can’t keep a secret
• A kid who writes directions to the birthday party on his teeth with a No. 2 pencil.
• A cop on the beat whose motto is, “Boys will be boys”.
• A ham and cheese on rye with moist finger prints and a faint perfume of chlorine
• An orthodontist with a sinus infection
• A bus driver who reads everyone’s horoscope out loud
• A college football mascot with emphysema
• A Penny Farthing Thief
• The Student Most Likely To Succeed…Ted Bundy
• Out of Business Abortion Clinic Turned Dry Cleaner
• An ant farmer with a milk quota
• An organ donor with a heart of gold
• A baby photographer who boasts that his personal catch phrase is, “I’ll give ya’ something to cry about!”
• A door to door brush salesman with his name and address pinned to his lapel
• A hurricane named “Lil’ Rascal”
• A carnival ride named “The Ford Caravan”
• A cheese snob self named, “The French Stickler”
• A glass blower with a cold sore
• A hot tempered blacksmith with a lock of amber hair stuck on the bottom of his flip flop
• An 18th Century American art expert on “The Antiques Roadshow” with an impressive display of showmanship with an X-Acto knife.
• Swiss chocolate wrapped in Nazi Gold
• A parakeet with nothing but time
• When a Palomino checks his hair as he walks by a store front window
• Arrogant oaks who have forgotten their roots
• A gas station attendant who effortlessly recites Neruda and Cummings
• A passing cloud who worked damn hard to resemble a giraffe…if you squint hard
• A mechanical bull in a gynecologist’s office
• A face painter who insists on only drawing teardrops

the pancake

A gulch once told me that the trick to making the best pancake was to warm your eggs to room temperature and while waiting, finish your bottle of “Old Sailor” and take a nap.

Once, in 1993 during a Shrove Tuesday in the basement of an I.O.O.F. I encountered a surly tribe of beehive hairdos. The buzzing of perturbed “flapjackers” sliced through the fog of Marlboros and Pam residue giving me an opportunity to tune out what my life insurance broker was rambling on about and focus on the diatribe coming from the neighboring card table. Bingo, scotch mints, Manischewitz, General Hospital and other peccadilloes sacrificed for Lent wafted like a rich maple amber perfume into my auditory canal at the moment I took a bite of my pancake. That day in February set off a chain reaction of Pavlovian extremes. To this day, I am unable to eat a pancake without tasting a bottle of Shalimar, with its rich essence of Tonka Bean and Bergamot, causing me to salivate in a ‘mouth sweat’ kind of way.

Obviously, my relationship with the pancake hasn’t got off on the right foot. I have a better kinship with his more robust brother, the waffle and effeminate cousin, the crepe. Though they have their own griddle neuroses, the waffle and crepe have developed characteristics that are not as apparent in the pancake. The pancake is a sponge, whereas the waffle demonstrates texture and the crepe full of depth, notably when replete with bananas and Nutella or when lit ablaze with Grand Marnier. But, especially when replete with bananas and Nutella or if the occasion arises, Nutella and bananas.

With all complicated relationships, one either moves on or tries to find common ground. Recently, while recovering from the tension that comes with competing in a Spirograph-off, I found myself perusing the breakfast menu of a local eatery that will go unnamed (chiefly because I don’t know how to write it in Pig Latin). Naturally, I found myself in a staring match with none other than the pancake. Yet, something was different this time. An innovation presented itself, nay, a solution! In addition to this insipid cake’s ubiquitous partner, maple syrup was an unlikely companion: Bacon.

Twas bacon who redeemed the pancake.